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Booty Call Aftermath

Booty Call Aftermath

Originally published on 11-17-13

We all have moments where we know we shouldn’t engage. Sometimes we know and it’s at the forefront of our minds. Sometimes we know we shouldn’t be doing it, but we figure we’re adults and we can handle the consequences. Sometimes we know what we’re about to do will not turn out favorably for us, but we push that thought to the back of our minds and suppress it. We bury is so deep that it doesn’t emerge again until after the deed is done. Only to find that when the thought floats back to the front of our minds again, not only do we have that thought but we have lobbed on regret and self-hate. We’ve taken steps away from, instead of toward, the person we really want to be.

It’s Saturday morning after a long night of debauchery. Why did I do it again? Why won’t he call me? I’m a good catch! Can’t he see that I’m a good catch? I cook, I clean, I have a job, and I make a great apple pie. I’m basically Julia Roberts! Moments of last night are flashing through your mind. Why did I have sex with him again? Your stomach is in knots because you feel like you’re in a shame cocoon.  But, he’s so cute! If only he could just see how awesome we’d be together. You hate yourself right now.  You’ll tell yourself anything to help you feel better. I can handle this. It’s just casual sex. I’m a strong woman. If guys can do it, girls can do it. No one is going to tell me what to do!  You try to pump yourself up but you have buyer’s remorse. Every time you have sex with him, the highs remain the same, but the lows get way, way lower. You wipe the crusty sleep from your eyes, find the energy to get up off the couch and make a bacon and egg sandwich.  Wait. Coffee first.  After you’re settled in you call your best friend, she’ll help you figure it out.

Girls aren’t this emotional in the movies. Am I Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda or Samantha? Thank goodness your best friend picks up the phone. You’re crying so hard that she can barely make out your words. “Why doesn’t he like me?” you keep repeating. “He likes me enough to have sex with me, but not enough to be in a relationship with me? I think he thinks the sex is good.   He’ll come around one day, right?  One day he’ll realize I’m the one for him?” You sound so sad, so broken, and so desperate. Worse, you feel just like you sound. There isn’t enough soap in your bathroom to make you feel clean. If you’re honest with yourself you feel grimy, maybe even used. You hope he calls, but he doesn’t. You hope he takes you out on a date, but he doesn’t. You hope he respects you, but you know he doesn’t.

You go through the day replaying the night in your mind, all the nights for that matter. What is it about me? I’m too independent? Too fat? Too skinny? Did I not wear the right thing? You’re second guessing your every move. You’re exhausted.  I’ll try harder next time. I’ll be cooler. I won’t show him any emotion.  That will teach him!  I’m in control here.  Only, you’re not in control. You’re out of control.

You figure maybe love just isn’t meant for you. You’re at the bottom, the way, way bottom. Your self-esteem is shot. You do not believe in yourself. You’re not sure if you ever will again. It’s black all around you. You’re in well and you don’t know how to get out.

We can only teach what we know, right? I know this feeling I described because I have been there. I have not only felt it, but have been used and thrown and away and overlooked, and it all started with the way I valued myself.

In the moment just before you decide to call him back, or to get in your car and drive to his place. In the moment just before you answer his call or open the door and invite him in. In the moments that you hover over his FB page like mosquitoes hang over me after a rain storm, reach in your pocket at pull these out. (Pastor Clark at Greater Mt. Zion shared some wonderful insight this morning on re-thinking our relationship with sex. I furiously wrote notes to share with you.)

CAUTION: ADHERING TO THESE PRINCIPLES MAY BRING YOU MORE PEACE THAN EVER IMAGINED.

*You are a child of God. You deserve better. God has given you gifts and what he has planned for you is not found in the fleeting moments of sex at 3am.

*God has invested too much in you for you to be used cheaply. The type of sex that comes that comes outside of a loving relationship doesn’t help you get any closer to peaceful, fulfilled heart. In fact, a lot of times, it pushes you away from peace. You end up being confused and stressed.

*In that moment of human weakness (which we all experience), you are part of an unloving act toward yourself and the other person. Going through with it is really an act of selfishness all around. I want you, no matter the cost.  You are a child of God and so is the person you are about to have sex with. God says, “Wouldn’t you like me to be a blessing to you and your children? I want the same from you.” God wants you to treat those in your life with reverence as if they were his children, because they are.

As Pastor Clark was explaining these thoughts and ideas I was floored. When we’re younger, folks always tell us why having sex is bad, but they don’t often tell us why waiting is better. When we’re adults they tell us sleeping around is bad, but they don’t tell us why holding yourself in high regard is better. The media tells us we should be able to handle casual sex, but they don’t tell us that’s it’s a difficult road to navigate. You may be thinking, Catia…this sounds like a drag! You’re no fun! This sounds like a boring life! Where’s the excitement in following rules? Where’s the rush of adrenaline?

My response is that in my experience, the cost benefit was never worth it. The heartache eventually surpassed the adrenaline rush I felt. I didn’t find consistent joy and peace in my personal life until I learned how to respect myself and my partner. The truth is the the joy I feel today supersedes any joy I ever felt.

God wants the richest of lives for us. We are worth love and dignity and respect. God wants that for us and he wants us to want it for ourselves. 

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