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I Miss You

Originally published on 7-21-12

If you peel back a few of my layers and time travel to 2005, you’d find a girl bright eyed and bushy tailed who had no problem expressing affection to her significant other without pause or concern.  It was very unnatural for me to hold anything back, I loved all the way and I loved hard.

Then, somewhere along the way, crumby relationships happened, then life happened, and happened again and again and everything made me more insecure and rough around the edges when it came to matters of the heart. I became aloof, not trusting, extremely analytical about every word and move and overly guarded. “If I say this, what will he think? Will he reciprocate? Will he think I’m moving too fast or too slow?” “Well if he is saying these things, then he really must mean this, or does he?” Whichever way I sliced it, I could have gone back and forth a million different ways and never come up with an answer that made me feel secure enough to be vulnerable. I was not being authentic, for fear of making the wrong move and it was exhausting.

But recently, two things happened. The first was, I was chatting with my lovely friend, Ms. Susie, who I respect and admire very much, sitting in her perfectly decorated 20 foot ceiling living room, and I was confiding in her how worried I was about getting hurt again and she leaned in, and with warmth and hope in her voice she said, “Catia, whatever happened to the idea of romance? Relationships are so calculated these days. You can’t go through life without getting hurt. Jump in with both feet first. In the end, the joy will supersede the hurt.” I stored that nugget of experience she offered me in a place for safe keeping and went on my way.

Shortly after my convo with Ms. Susie, I was talking with a special someone over the phone and out of nowhere he said, “I miss you.”  In a split second my brain short circuited, my face flushed and I thought to myself, “Huh? Whoa. Wait a minute. Stop right there. Miss me?! Listen up Mr. no one tells me they miss me! It usually goes like this, I THINK about telling you that I miss YOU and then coyly skirt around the issue. No one’s allowed to be that nice here!” When my brain stopped reeling, I cleared my throat and questioned, “You do?” Then, I quickly gathered my composure and uttered, “I miss you too,” because the truth was that I did.  He was unguarded and kind and my heart melted a little. He said what he felt and it allowed me to do the same. BAM. Begin snowball effect.  

Let’s just stick to the romance part of it for now (but this can be applied romantically or otherwise) …but when someone gives you warm and fuzzies, it’s difficult and almost impossible not to want to give warm and fuzzies back. You intrinsically want to bestow the same happiness upon them. When it gets complicated is when neither party wants to show their cards or appear vulnerable.  Each day that goes by, my fear subsides, my rough edges become a little smoother and I feel a little more secure in loving—my way.

From time to time, we’re all afraid that we’re not enough, and we hold back as a form of self-preservation. Try to not let that fear consume you.  You are enough.  Think of all the times your heart has been beaten and bruised and broken, sit with the feelings, the memories even and let them go. The story that you just can’t bear another bout of hurt, does not serve you, it inhibits you. If you allow yourself, slowly, you can become stronger in the places you’ve been broken. . Remind yourself what Ms. Susie said, “Jump in with both feet first. In the end, the joy will supersede the hurt.”

All this is WAY easier said than done, but as I promised a few years ago, we’d go on this journey together, and I’m still here with you. 

Charles the Magic Cat

Charles the Magic Cat

Greater Mt. Zion

Greater Mt. Zion