Watch Shame Wither | Week 29 | Confidence Revolution
In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown breaks down vulnerability and shame.
Guilt is: “I feel bad.”
Shame is: “I am bad.”
She notes that guilt is helpful. Guilt keeps us inside the lines. Guilt keeps us from making poor choices.
But shame, shame is an entirely different animal.
Shame in essence -- is feeling unworthy of love and belonging. Shame gremlins as Dr. Brown refers to them, come out to taunt us when we are feeling down and out, when we are embarrassed, when we think we are alone. The shame gremlins (could also be referred to as the negative tapes in our heads) tell us that no one has ever messed up this bad, they tell us that if our friends found out who we really were they wouldn’t like us anymore. Shame gremlins tell us that we’d better keep our points of embarrassment to ourselves, OR ELSE. Shame tells us to suppress “it” and never speak of it.
Dr. Brown tells us that shame needs three things to grow: silence, secrecy and judgement. And that the antidote to shame is sharing and connection.
Shame is just a bully.
Shame cannot stand the light of day.
Shame withers in connection.
We can feel shame for things done to us and we can also feel shame for things we have done. We can feel shame for growing up in poverty, for growing up in a broken home, for being abused, for being broken up with. And we can also feel shame for not graduating high school, for being unable to manage our weight, or for cheating on someone.
Shame comes to us one and all, whether it seems justified or not. And what may be one person’s shame, another may not give the time of day. But shame is shame, no need to compare and contrast.
"Does shame live in us forever?" If we let it, it can. And if we don't address it, shame has a physical effect on our bodies. We are integrated beings, our minds and bodies and hearts are connected. And when one system goes down, our emotions for example, it sends our other systems into a downward spiral also. Our bodies have to DO SOMETHING with shame and so they create inflammation. Shame creates inflammation in our bodies, the root of most diseases.
Shame makes us feel like the pits and has a detrimental effect on our bodies, so should we get rid of it? YES. KICK IT THE CURB.
Find someone you trust – someone who has earned the right to hear your story – and then sit down with them or call them and say, “I need your help. I’ve been struggling with __________, and it’s weighing me down.” Tell them how you feel, open up to them. Admit to your struggle.
Sometimes we are scared to share, because friends and family will know we aren’t perfect. But, you are generous with your love, why wouldn’t others be generous with their love toward you?
The more we share, the more we remove our social media best, the more we live in our truth, the greater connection we will feel to those around us – and the more shame will melt away.
After 6 years of writing and receiving emails from readers, the one thing I know for sure is, we are not alone -- we are all in this together.
love and grace, catia
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