Hi guys!

Continuing on our series – Learning how to shine.

*Week 1- we talked about how there are areas of our life where we don’t shine.

*Week 2- We talked about how to start building the shine muscle.

*And today we are going to talk about how the road to shining is not that shiny.

Yesterday I had a hard core therapy session, it was two hours and I balled my eyes out. My eyes are still swollen today from yesterday.

I told my therapist how I want to start shining in other areas – besides the gym, and one area is in the way I present myself, my appearance.

I allow myself to be put together but not too put together.

There are days I want to put on makeup, wedges, a fun dress – and I never do that unless I’m with my husband or my parents! Because when I do, sometimes I’m met with flirting or cat calls from men (or worse), and it’s just gross. I don’t like it – and I’d rather not deal with it. So, I put a governor on how“put together” I can be.

Now, let’s take a bird's eye view.

My therapist said that what was out of balance was my masculine and feminine energy. Every human has both. More on energies here.

My therapist illuminated how I could be as put together as I wanted to be on a given day, but also deal with what happens after. Address a dude that is making me feel uncomfortable? Yes.

I fumbled through my layers and feelings until I hit a nerve. I opened up about the first time I was sexually assaulted (I won’t go into detail here, but I’ve written a few pieces on it, here and here.) I also did an Instagram live this morning detailing it – and you can find that here.

And Sandi (my therapist) helped me connected how that moment has informed the last 17 years of my life.

I couldn’t believe it.

How could I still be healing? How could I not be “over it?” It was so long ago!

Yesterday I learned, I was never healing. The trauma was lodged.

Yesterday, is when I started healing.
--
Here’s the thing, friend. If you don’t feel SAFE to shine, you won’t.

And you may not know exactly why you don’t feel safe. Maybe you were insulted as a kid, maybe your grandparents teased you for loving to learn, maybe you’re using weight as a mask, and maybe you’re using self-deprecation as a pressure valve – because the thought of being all of who you are and not being enough is terrifying.
--
Remember in school when the PE coach used to say, run a lap around the playground as fast as you can? Or, do as many sit-ups as you can in one minute?

Those were nightmares for me. Because I was the slowest.

Well, one time in the 3rd grade, Coach B. told us to run around the school playground. On your mark, get set, go! All the kids darted off, and in the heat of the afternoon, all I could see were the backs of my classmates's shirts getting further and further ahead of me. So instead of slogging along and risking coming in last, I pressed the eject button. I faked an ankle sprain. I 100% lied, and then had to keep up the ruse.

I was terrified of showing up all the way, because even trying my best, I was going to be last, and that hurt. Better to fake it, and press the eject button, than to show up all the way and still come in last.
--
There are a million reasons we don’t shine, maybe we’ll be too much, get too much attention, and maybe we’ll do our best and we’ll come in last, the very last.

The road between holding back and not holding back is not glamorous. It will not be easy to figure out why you have shackles on. But figuring out why you have shackles on, is the key to unlocking them.

Then you are free to move, and breathe and feel and explore – and I want that for you.

I want you to be free, the most joyful, expansive version of who you are.

And I will walk the road of between, with you. Side by side.

Here are 3 of my favorite go-to songs when I need to be built from the inside out. When I need to be reminded that I divine. That God lives and breaths through me, and that I am good and worthy and strong.

May they bless you like they bless me.

Whitney Houston - I didn't know my own strength

Whitney Houston - I look to you.

Andra Day- Rise Up