How to Get What You Want | Week 32 | Confidence Revolution
Let’s say someone comes up to you, maybe it’s a co-worker, or family member and they say, “You’re always late! Why can’t you ever be on time?”
What’s your immediate reaction? Is it, “I’m so sorry, I won’t be late again.” Or is it, “Shut your pie hole, my kid was throwing a tantrum, I caught traffic, you don’t know my life!” Yes -- probably the latter.
Instead of motivating you to not be late, the statement puts you on the defense and probably angers you, a 100% reasonable reaction.
So if that’s how we react when posed with those kinds of statements, why do we think others will react differently when we hurl these types of statements at them?
Have you ever argued with your boss not understanding why in the hec she DOESN’T GET IT? Or have you ever locked horns with your husband or wife and thought, They are WRONG, I AM RIGHT. Maybe if I speak a litter louder, or beat them over the head with a stick, maybe then they’ll understand?! Or have you ever found yourself arguing with your folks, “You NEVER do this for me and ALWAYS do this for this them!”
These arguments can feel frustrating at best and like you are banging your head against a wall at worst. And the terrible part is that usually, no one budges and tempers flare.
This week I want to share with you communication gold. How to get what you want…eventually. Taking these steps will help you communicate your point (and get what you want), without offending the person you are communicating with. These tactics can be used at work, with family and in relationships.
1. Remove the words, YOU, ALWAYS and NEVER, from the conversation.
2. “A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request so … just make the request.” –Diane Sawyer. It's a way of saying, "Do you think we could work on this thing that makes me feel this way? Do you think we could work it out?" 9 times out of 10, each of us will be met with a resounding, "Of course we can."
3. Ask a question and listen to the answer.
So instead of saying, “You’re always late!” One could say, “I really appreciate it when we can start our project on time. Thank you so much for always respecting our time together.” Another example would be asking, “Hey, it seems like it’s been difficult to get to work on time, is there something I can help with?”
There is no telling what asking a question and listening will do to deepen a relationship. Folks who feel cared for are 4,474,567, 871 times (very scientific) more likely to come through and quite frankly over perform. :) Win, win all around!
Let me know how these work in your life!
love and grace, catia
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Champions, click here to watch Episode 32!
Team Duncan | Week 31 | Confidence Revolution
Just a few months ago Tim Duncan retired and I read almost every article about his farewell. Without fail, everyone from Coach Pop to David Robinson to Dirk Nowitzki – they all sang Mr. Duncan’s praises about being a leader mostly by being the greatest team player they had ever seen.
Every article detailed how this 5 Time NBA Champion was always prepared, and how he always performed his best, and how ‘the team’ was his top priority.
“You don't see Timmy beating his chest as if he was the first human being to dunk the basketball, as a lot of people do these days. He's not pointing to the sky. He's not glamming to the cameras. He just plays, and we've seen it for so long it's become almost mundane. But it's so special that it has to be remembered.” Coach Pop continued by saying, “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Timmy.” And my guess is, neither would the Spurs -- as we’ve come to know them.
Over his career, Tim Duncan devoted himself so much to the sake of “team” that not only did he earn some accolades along the way, but he improved the lives of his coaches and his teammates. He kept his head down and contributed, year after year after year. And like the best leaders do, Timmy didn’t leave a group of men who won’t be able to survive without him, he left them strong and able to stand on their own.
A few weeks ago our church Pastor, Pastor Clark, preached a sermon and he said, the recipe for insignificance is only worrying about ourselves. He taught us that if we want to feel worthy and like we matter, we have to give of ourselves.
So let's ask .... where are we giving?
What teams are we on?
Who counts on you and me?
Where are we leading by example?
Whose life are we making better by contributing our gifts?
Where can we find a team?
Certainly our family can be a team, but so can our best girlfriends, so can our workout class and so can our theater group.
But maybe, just maybe, you're looking to feel like you matter MORE, and maybe you have room for one more team.
Is it in the realm of possibilities that you can start volunteering once a week or once a month at your local Boys and Girl Club, or local YMCA, or local library, or local hospital?
I know we’re all busy, and we certainly don’t HAVE TO volunteer. But how would we feel if we did? How would we feel if we lived such poured out lives that we bettered the lives of those around us? How AMAZING would we feel if we left those around us, strong and able to stand on their own? Pretty damn good, I'm guessing.
AND for those of you out there who are doing it, who are giving ALL you've got, I know you're out there, and I salute you. The world is a better place with you in it. Thank you.
love and grace, catia
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Here's this week's video for all our Confidence Revolution Champions! I am so proud of you and am so happy for the strides you are making.
Time-outs and Horoscopes | Week 30 | Confidence Revolution
A few weeks ago we implemented time-out because Alexandra is going through a hitting phase.
It has been tough. When she gets angry and she’s not getting what she wants, she swats (mostly at me.) Some days she swats and flails all over the place and since she is a strong young lady, sometimes I feel like I’m actually dodging her. Strange.
We have a mat that we sit her on for 2 minutes when she’s in time-out. Most times we have to battle her to stay on it, what can I say, it’s a work in progress. And after every time-out session I give her a hug and ask her to sit down next to me.
“Let’s have a conversation,” I say as I pat the floor.
She sits next to me and I remind her that she gets to choose. I will never put her in time-out willy nilly. The only reason she experiences time-out is because SHE made the decision to get there. I remind her that she gets to control her decision making and that each decision will render good and bad consequences. EVERY SINGLE DECISION.
Maybe you’re thinking, “She’s only 2, she can’t possibly understand.” Maybe you’re right, but I’m betting she can.
I remind her that her Papa and I love her and I ask her, “Do we hit in this family?” She always shakes her head no. And then I ask her if she’s going to hit again, and she mumbles, “No ma’am.” We hug and kiss and we each go on our way.
I do this EVERY TIME I put her in time-out, which is about twice a day now. And through the day, I try to remind her, about consequences, both good and bad.
And in the last few weeks, something magical has happened, I have started making better decisions. I have started being more kind and more understanding. I have been able to stay between the lines, even when I have really wanted to go outside of them. Funny how this parenting thing works!
A few weeks ago I read my horoscope and it noted how we are shaped by the things we do, AND ALSO by things we were going to do and though better of, but didn’t.
You see, we get credit for what we do, but it’s the things that we don’t do – the phone call we DON’T make in anger, the finger we DON’T flip in road rage, the attitude we DON’T give our boss, the detail we DON’T point out to prove we were right, the piece of trash we DON’T throw on the ground just because no one is looking- that form the foundation of our character.
I saw this movie some time ago, The Counselor, part of the movie has stuck with me ever since. One of the main characters says,
The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different from the world where the mistakes were made. You are now at the crossing. And you want to choose, but there is no choosing there. There's only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago…
When we’re two, we have an excuse for not knowing better, maybe even when we’re 10 and 12 and even 20. But at some point we’ll wake up and realize we are the product of ALL the decisions we have made.
Friend, part of being confident is taking responsibility for your life and the way it plays out. Today, stand tall, reach down deep and make decisions that you are proud of. Start by being respectful of yourself and others, and the rest will fall into place.
love and grace, catia
Watch Shame Wither | Week 29 | Confidence Revolution
In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown breaks down vulnerability and shame.
Guilt is: “I feel bad.”
Shame is: “I am bad.”
She notes that guilt is helpful. Guilt keeps us inside the lines. Guilt keeps us from making poor choices.
But shame, shame is an entirely different animal.
Shame in essence -- is feeling unworthy of love and belonging. Shame gremlins as Dr. Brown refers to them, come out to taunt us when we are feeling down and out, when we are embarrassed, when we think we are alone. The shame gremlins (could also be referred to as the negative tapes in our heads) tell us that no one has ever messed up this bad, they tell us that if our friends found out who we really were they wouldn’t like us anymore. Shame gremlins tell us that we’d better keep our points of embarrassment to ourselves, OR ELSE. Shame tells us to suppress “it” and never speak of it.
Dr. Brown tells us that shame needs three things to grow: silence, secrecy and judgement. And that the antidote to shame is sharing and connection.
Shame is just a bully.
Shame cannot stand the light of day.
Shame withers in connection.
We can feel shame for things done to us and we can also feel shame for things we have done. We can feel shame for growing up in poverty, for growing up in a broken home, for being abused, for being broken up with. And we can also feel shame for not graduating high school, for being unable to manage our weight, or for cheating on someone.
Shame comes to us one and all, whether it seems justified or not. And what may be one person’s shame, another may not give the time of day. But shame is shame, no need to compare and contrast.
"Does shame live in us forever?" If we let it, it can. And if we don't address it, shame has a physical effect on our bodies. We are integrated beings, our minds and bodies and hearts are connected. And when one system goes down, our emotions for example, it sends our other systems into a downward spiral also. Our bodies have to DO SOMETHING with shame and so they create inflammation. Shame creates inflammation in our bodies, the root of most diseases.
Shame makes us feel like the pits and has a detrimental effect on our bodies, so should we get rid of it? YES. KICK IT THE CURB.
Here’s how:
Find someone you trust – someone who has earned the right to hear your story – and then sit down with them or call them and say, “I need your help. I’ve been struggling with __________, and it’s weighing me down.” Tell them how you feel, open up to them. Admit to your struggle.
Sometimes we are scared to share, because friends and family will know we aren’t perfect. But, you are generous with your love, why wouldn’t others be generous with their love toward you?
The more we share, the more we remove our social media best, the more we live in our truth, the greater connection we will feel to those around us – and the more shame will melt away.
After 6 years of writing and receiving emails from readers, the one thing I know for sure is, we are not alone -- we are all in this together.
love and grace, catia
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With them and For them | Week 28 | Confidence Revolution
A few weeks ago I watched, The Intern. It’s a cute movie where Robert De Niro plays Anne Hathaway’s intern. Anne Hathaway (Jules is her character’s name) creates a successful online clothing shop and through a turn of events Robert De Niro lands the job as her intern. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Over the course of the movie they develop a mentor/mentee relationship where Mr. De Niro supports and coaches Anne. One day Anne is in a tough spot as she has a work meeting but also wants to take her daughter to a friend’s birthday party. Wishing she could clone herself (sign me up!) but knowing she can’t, Anne asks Mr. De Niro to take her 5 year old daughter to her schoolmate’s birthday party.
At the party a group of moms snicker and sneer as they figure out Anne is working (again) and sent her intern to cover. Mr. De Niro sits next to the snickering moms and says, “You must be so proud of Jules, one of your own, getting out there, stretching, doing her thing!” With so much pride and enthusiasm he says, “You must be so proud of her!” As only Mr. De Niro can do because he was really telling them to shove it and putting them in their place.
Does anybody out there want Mr. De Niro on their side? I do!
Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s great, but if she could make it to our weekly bible study, she would be better,” or “He’s awesome, but he doesn’t cook, and he’s always at work meetings,” or “ I just love her, but she never picks up her kids from school, the nanny does.”
Sometimes folks have this way of complementing someone and then slicing them with a shank on their way out of the conversation. Folks feel the need to qualify their praise. “I like her, BUT.” “She’s nice, BUT.” “He’s great, BUT did you hear about what happened to him 7 years ago?” It’s like they’re afraid to throw all their supportive eggs in one basket.
What would happen if we supported one another ALL the way? How would that change the fabric of our conversations, our lives?
Have you ever been so supported by someone without strings attached? It is a MAGNIFICENTLY HOLY.
It takes a special kind of person to support family and friends without agenda, and guess what? Good news!!! YOU ARE THAT PERSON. YOU have the ability to support without any BUTS attached.
You are equipped to be Robert De Niro! :)
Tips for helping you to support and love without strings attached:
*Know that everyone is allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
*Know that it’s a hard world out there and people are trying their best.
*Know that your open heart and holy love will change the world.
*Know that when people know you are with them and for them, well, there is no greater gift to give.
love and grace, catia
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Racism + Revenge | Week 27 | Confidence Revolution
I grew up in a predominantly Mexican town and so there -- I was the majority. Everyone could say my name, Cah-thee-yah. And it took me getting out of my hometown and going to college to see and feel racism.
Maybe it’s because I am one, but I have always had a soft spot in my heart for minorities, in whatever form they come. Everyone is welcome for pancakes at my house.
About a month ago, I started hearing rave reviews about Ezra Edelman’s 8 hour ESPN documentary, OJ: Made in America and so I recorded it and watched about half. It was about much more than the OJ Simpson case. It was about the dynamics of race, police behavior, expectation, the theater of the court system, and media relations in the US leading up to and during the early 1990s. Riveting is an understatement. I mean, I am a busy woman and I found FIVE hours to dedicate to it.
The film stirred something inside of me and made me want know more about what racism ACTUALLY feels like.
A few days after I wrapped up the OJ documentary our friend came over for dinner. He’s intelligent, accomplished, kind, a great conversationalist, and he’s also African-American. We got to talking about politics and graduate school and then we got to talking about race.
And after 13 years of have an outsider’s perspective on racism toward folks who are black, I garnered the courage to ask. “What does racism feel like to you?” “How does it manifest?” “Tell me about it.” I sat and listened with curiosity and a barrel full of empathy. It was not easy to hear his answers, but they were true and they brought us closer together.
We can theorize and hypothesize about what others are going through OR we can actually ask and listen. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, it will be weird. But it will enlighten us and it will close the divide.
Revenge
One of the OJ jurors said she voted ‘not guilty’ as pay back for what Rodney King had gone through years previous. She said, “Now you know how it feels,” implying she inflicted hurt on the white community because of the hurt they inflicted on Rodney King.
If there is a statement we can remove from our language it’s, now you know how it feels. Now you know how it feels, implies, you hurt me and now I’m going to hurt you and I’m glad you’re hurting.
Revenge is fueled by anger. And sure, anger hurts the person it’s taken out on, but it hurts the person it lives in much more. The more we live with anger, the more we perpetuate hurt and disrespect and negativity. The more we seek revenge, the longer the life span of revenge.
When someone hurts us, we have the option to continue the cycle of pain and violence OR to absorb it and stop it. We have the power to take revenge out of play, we have the power to stop the cycle.
But why would we want to stop the cycle? They hurt us!! At the very least, we can do it so that it stops knocking on our front door looking for us. Or maybe we stop the cycle so that our children won’t experience it down the road. Or maybe we’re feeling extra magnanimous and we stop the cycle because we don’t want others to hurt anymore.
Find ANY reason that works for you – a cycle of revenge and hurt can only continue to weigh us down.
And don’t we want to fly?
love and grace, catia
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Drag Show + Church | Week 26 | Confidence Revolution
A few days ago I was walking down the streets of NYC with my husband and sister-in-law. There was a breeze and the air was balmy. We decided to head to a jazz club but on our way we stumbled upon a church with open doors. Open doors.
My husband asked if I'd like to go in, and I knew I did. Even standing outside of the church felt good and uplifting. The church was white stucco, and it had a small set of stairs and a garden leading into the four walls. At first glance it looked like any other church. The prayer candles were lit, wooden pews lined the center of the room, stained glass windows looked onto the parishioners.
When we walked in, it took me few seconds to realize I was in a church whose priest had chosen to walk with outliers, just like Jesus. The Bible tells how Jesus left the 99 to go searching for the 1. Jesus left those who knew and believed in him to go searching for the one. The one who was hurt, broken and beaten. The one who had seen despair, the one who was sick, the one who needed unconditional love like a man who lives in a desert needs life giving water.
The church, during gay pride weekend, hosted a drag show. A string of performers in drag -- sang and danced and cheered each other on. And between numbers, the priest, 5'5 and 140 lbs. soaking wet, stood in front of the congregation and told us how loved we are by God and how we are all royalty. It was beautiful and moving and I cried like a baby. It was a holy moment.
But before I cried, my brain was short circuiting. I grew up Mexican Catholic (traditional), and for the past 4 years I have attended a Baptist church (also traditional.) So for 32 years and 360 days I have only experienced church as traditional. This was anything but traditional, it was TOTALLY outside any paradigm I had about church.
In the moment, I knew what was happening.
It wasn't that I didn't like it, or enjoy it, it was that my brain was having to re-calibrate. "What was this?" "How was I going to be able to reconcile ALL of my 32 years and 360 days plus this new experience?"
I cut myself some slack and knew that song by song, performer by performer, I would settle into this new more expanded version, and I did, and it was lovely.
Guys, sometimes we get freaked out by things because they are different from what we are used to. We don't freak out because they are wrong, or bad -- simply because they are different. In those moments, cut yourself some slack and allow your brain and heart to re-calibrate and EXPAND. The more we know about others, the more beautiful they (and we) become.
love and grace, catia
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The Secret To Dealing With Doubt | Week 25 | Confidence Revolution
Interactive Confidence Revolution! Bring on the questions, I love 'em and you!
Catia,
Doubt is a very real thing. Was there any point in which the self-help books, advice and motivational messages just weren’t enough? Like, did you ever not see the end in sight? –L
L,
First off, I know of two types of doubt. There is the doubt that creates a pain in my stomach, a tightening of my chest, an uneasiness in my heart. It’s my intuition whispering to me, then talking to me, then yelling to me. DO NOT MAKE THAT DECISION. In those cases, I ALWAYS, listen to that voice. That voice is smarter than any rationale I could conjure up. Full stop.
The second kind of doubt I have experienced is fear of the unknown. Fear that I won’t be able to handle what comes my way. Fear that my life won’t unfold exactly as I have planned.
Sometimes we walk around with a ringing in our ears or a buzzing in our head, or a heaviness in our hearts telling us to make a move, but fear and doubt take over and we suppress what’s welling up inside. The only thing is, “You will never be able to escape your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.” –Paulo Coehlo
Taking a leap requires gumption, and unfortunately there’s no real safety net. It requires us to let go of what has given us comfort or power or security—in order to open up a space for new things to unfold.
I’ll tell you a little story about learning to take a leap, even when doubt (the fearful kind) is in one’s mind.
On a bright spring day my girlfriend and I headed over to a local trapeze complex. $40 was sure to get us a good time and at the very least some good photo opps. During the instructional portion, the instructors taught us how to hook our knees around the wooden bar, how to chalk our hands and grab the bar, how to swing and eventually how to in mid swing, while we were upside down, to LET GO of the bar and reach for our catcher. “NO HESITATION. When we say ‘hands off,’ LET GO.”
I climbed up the ladder thirty feet, stayed firmly in position on the platform and eventually grabbed the bar and aired out my wet armpits. I jumped off the platform and screamed as I felt the wall on the opposite side of the building coming toward my face. I swung in the air like a pendulum and fell onto the safety net. Womp womp! I was too scared to event think about letting go!
But then, two months later I returned and I climbed the ladder again, knowing this time I was capable of reaching for the catcher.
I climbed up the ladder thirty feet, felt a little less nervous while my toes curled over the tiny wooden platform and assumed the position. Trust, I told myself. I thrust my hips forward, bent my knees, and jumped of the platform. TRUST. As I was flying through the air I heard, “hands off!” I let go, reached out with conviction, and felt two strong arms grab mine.
L, Knowledge, data, self-help books, advice … those things are wonderful and I think we should all load up on them. But then after we’ve done our best, and we’ve done all we can do, we have to let go and TRUST, that we are going to be okay. The secret to dealing with doubt is two fold. 1) We must have confidence in our own abilities and 2) We must have confidence that we are in the palm of God's hands and when we "let go," his strong arms will grab ours.
love and grace, catia
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Facebook Stalking | Week 24 | Confidence Revoltuion
This week's CR video is about why we Facebook stalk people and what we can do (tell ourselves) when we find ourselves down the FB rabbit hole at midnight while eating Oreos. And also how I hope FB never creates an algorithm to prove FB stalking - because then a lot of us are going straight to the clink. :)
love and grace, catia
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Body After Baby | Week 23 | Confidence Revolution
During my pregnancy and post-partum, I was under the tutelage of all things Hollywood media. I felt compelled to be exceptional. I wanted to bounce back and have it all figured out, right away. I wanted my days to flow seamlessly – to be able to breastfeed, have great sex with my husband, and cook a great meal. And I felt crushing pressure, every bit self-imposed, to have a beach-ready body.
I didn’t care that I had just had a baby, or that my body was recovering not only from making a baby and carrying a baby, but also from birthing a baby. I wanted to look just like famous women do in fashion magazines.
It was my goal to not only look good in my old clothes, but to feel good too. I had set and accomplished goals before, and this was no different – except that, just between us, it was ENTIRELY different. What was I thinking?!
Eventually, I realized (that’s code for: I learned the hard way) I was an entirely new person with new circumstances and new responsibilities, so I took drastic action and unsubscribed to magazines and stopped watching junk television. I walked away from the media that was making me crazy and I flushed Hollywood’s definition of attractive down the toilet. It served NO purpose in my life, and rather quickly, I was the better for it.
Just between us, it took time to get my sexy back, and when it came back, it wasn’t in the same way: it was BETTER because it was authentic. I walked taller and held my head higher, knowing I was a force. Over the course of her first year, ease settled into my bones. I emerged after the first year of motherhood stronger, more grounded and confident in myself – and how I looked no longer mattered.
Years of trial and error culminated and I finally realized that authentic confidence and beauty are not end results, they are byproducts of a soul that is peaceful, grateful, and kind.
If a genie were to offer me a Hollywood starlet’s pre-baby body today, just between us, I’d laugh and walk away. There is no chance on God’s green earth I would trade even a smidgen of who I am now for anyone else’s esthetics. My entire being is better for the richness I’ve experienced, even my post-baby figure.
Pastor Rob Bell , God bless him, teaches on the notion of good vs. perfect. He teaches that the Hebrew language brings us the word, tov, which means good. Only that Tov is a layered version of the word we have come to understand as good. Folded into the definition of tov is a dynamic quality. Tov takes movement into consideration. Tov is of the earth, tov is seasons, tov is evolving, tov embraces light and dark. Tov welcomes grit and flaws, tov celebrates authenticity. Tov knows that life seasons run their course, it knows that we are in a constant state of creation and forward movement. Tov flows. Tov takes active participation.
After introducing us to tov, Bell enlightens us by shedding light on the ideal of perfection brought to us by the Greeks. The definition of τέλειος , better known to us as perfect has a layered definition made up of: being the ultimate, fully realized, without shortcomings, entire. Perfect brings with it a sense of static. Perfect is that which cannot be improved upon, perfect is complete.
In an interview Cameron Diaz did about her book, The Body Book , she noted how the anti-aging movement has convinced us that no matter how many candles are on our birthday cake, we should aim to look 25 in perpetuity. That women everywhere are repeatedly apologizing for not being able to defy nature. We walk around whispering nonsense to ourselves and each other like, “My skin is not taut, or I’m not able to fit into those skinny jeans anymore, or she looks perfect, why can’t I?”
At twenty-five I was peppy, fit, not a wrinkle on me, but I was also a shell of the person I am today. In the years eight years since turning twenty-five I have experienced disappointment, triumph, profound joy, marriage, child birth, more runs to the grocery store, more traffic tickets, more traveling, and more stumbles. I have experienced more excitement and more heart ache, and all these experiences have been tov. They have shaped me and pushed me to become more compassionate, more humble and more curious.
If we removed our lenses of perfection and instead used our tov lenses, how might that change our outlook? How much would our days be different if we recognized that we are part of something good, gritty, holy, and evolving? How much would our hearts sing if we settled into the notion that perfect is a great for describing delectable food and awing art, but it is almost too small, too narrow of a word to describe our hearts and spirits and bodies? Perfect wishes it could hold all of what we have to offer, but it just can’t. So instead, let’s honor the expansiveness of our journeys and let’s welcome the notion that we are, that it is all, good.
In the Weeds | Week 22 | Confidence Revolution
When I was eighteen and in college, I put on matronly grey suit and two-inch black pumps and went to go interview for a hostess position at a high energy, see-and-be-seen kind of restaurant in downtown Austin. The General Manager hired me on the spot: “Welcome to the top of the mountain,” he said as he shook my hand.
Because we were an overachieving team, we would book more reservations than we had seats available and then we would “dance.” Some tables would clear before their estimated two-hour dinner, and so we’d be able to fit in other guests. Sometimes the Texas Governor would arrive unannounced, and we’d have to finagle his favorite table from unassuming customers, and sometimes Reese Witherspoon would walk in the door and we’d all melt. And most times we would be so busy I would not only hostess but I would bus tables or run food or clean the bathroom. All hands on deck, all the time.
It was there in that new, adrenaline-pumping environment that I learned what it was to be “in the weeds.” In the weeds is a general term we service industry folks use to mean: REALLY busy, I’m doing all I can to stay afloat.
There are times when we are in life’s weeds and we get tense, unpleasant to be around, grouchy, and sometimes we even yell. (oops.) Only, this never does any good and makes things infinitely more unmanageable.
If we are in a constant state of alarm, our brains keep our bodies at high alert, hearts racing, blood pressure soaring, and sympathetic nervous system (fight-flight-freeze) firing -- no good for anyone.
When you’re in the weeds, and overwhelmed, slow down and find your calm. It’s in the slowing down that we then gain a sense of clarity.
Keeping calm is powerful. When you are calm, you keep your frontal lobe—the part of your brain responsible for higher-level thinking and decision-making—engaged.
When you’re challenged and have an overwhelming amount of work, or to-do lists or projects, take a moment to stop and breathe, blow off some steam with some fun and laughter, grab a glass of wine and get yourself to a place of calm.
If you can remain calm on the outside and calm on the inside, you’re more likely to make better decisions and get the outcome you are looking for.
Questions to Ponder:
When was the last time you felt like you were in the weeds?
Can you see how remaining calm while in the weeds would make a difference for the better?
Courage and Vulnerability | Week 21 | Confidence Revolution
In Daring Greatly Dr. Brene Brown notes that the word vulnerable comes from the Latin “vulnerare,” meaning to wound. Being vulnerable literally means that you are opening yourself up to be wounded. But why would we want to do that?
BECAUSE…that sense of openness is the crux of all things magnificent and deeply moving. Walking with vulnerability is the only way to get from where we are to where we most want to be.
Brown notes how we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. Fearing that our truth isn’t enough.
Yet how many times have you read a blog post or book nodding the entire time, heart welling up with a feeling of acceptance, and belonging, realizing that you are not alone. Or how relieved have you been when a friend shares her own shortcomings or seeming failures that mirror your own?
Dr. Brown goes on to say in Daring Greatly that our ultimate struggle is wanting to experience someone’s vulnerability yet not wanting to be vulnerable ourselves.
If you are afraid to open yourself up to being vulnerable, you are denying yourself the fullness of the shared human existence and ultimately the feeling of belonging. Being vulnerable and sharing your entire self, --shortcomings and failures and all -- is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.
How many times in your life have you not really given something your best because you needed an excuse just in case you failed? Well, I really didn’t try my hardest. So I really didn’t fail. We are so intensely afraid to lose, only that the winning and losing paradigm is an illusion. The question should not be, “Did you win or lose?” The question should be, “What did you try?” Winning and losing creates a sort of stagnation, while an attitude of trying creates a life of growth and movement and heightened aliveness.
Say sayonara to the idea of winning and welcome a trying mentality. Instead of fearing vulnerability, practice daring greatly. If you want to feel deep love, exuberant joy, electricity running through your veins, life saving grace and a true connection with those around you, let yourself be fully seen.
love and grace, catia
Questions to ponder:
-What makes you feel vulnerable?
-How do you feel about the idea that trying is more important than winning or losing
Jealousy | Week 20 | Confidence Revolution
I am Mexican and Mexicans are jealous and fiery, which is hysterical and entertaining, until it's not.
Growing up I saw jealousy glamorized. Hollywood (poor Hollywood) told me that "real" men and women fight for their significant other. Hollywood told me it was normal to be dramatic. Hollywood told me that there are winners and losers.
But it wasn't until I was older that I realized that Hollywood was in the business of selling,not in the business of healthy relationships. "Oh."
THEN, I started the work of undoing decades of unhealthy habit building. (I may be working for quite a while!)
Whenever I feel jealous, blood rushes to my head and I try to figure out a way to control things and then when I realize I can't control things I get crazier. Everyone hold on! I hold my breath and almost internally combust. But then after I've had some time to come down I realize, ... I'm not angry, I'm scared.
I never feel jealous when I feel good about myself - I only feel jealous when I feel like I don't measure up. I only feel jealous when I'm afraid something or someone I love will like/love something or someone else more. And that's a terrible way to feel.
Sometimes we feel jealous in our romantic relationships, or in places of work, or in our friendship circles. Sometimes we feel jealous of the "new person." And sometimes we are jealous of people who don't even know we exist. (awkward) If we let it, jealousy can creep into all sorts of areas. So, let's guard against it.
Let's boldly trust that:
1) We are lovable and valuable.
2) We have a lot to offer.
3) We are not replaceable.
Let's know that when we operate from a place of fear, the universe constricts and so do our throats and hearts. When we're fearful it's even hard to get in a full breath.
But when we operate from a place of love and security the world around us transforms into one of abundance, and who is scared when things are abundant? Not me!
There's plenty out there for you and plenty out there for me.
love and grace, catia
And if someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Who do you think you are? | Week 19 | Confidence Revolution
I can instantly recall the feeling of being bullied. My insides want to curl up like a rollie pollie. "Please, leave me alone."
I grew up in an upper middle class home in a lower middle class community and the fact that my mom dropped me off in a Ford Taurus station wagon and always had me dressed neatly was enough to send my school mates over the edge. On top of the FLASHY hatchback, I enjoyed school (God forbid) and enjoyed forming relationships with teachers and never felt like I fit in with my peers. Chicken or the egg? I'm not quite sure. My classmates were into video games and pogs and I was into getting an extra 5 points on my spelling test.
Girls would snicker and from time to time confront me face to face. "Who do you think you are?" "You think you're better than us?" "You think you're so good?" "You think you're going to make it?" "Why do you try so hard?" And then the dreaded "telling off" in Spanish. THE WORST. They talked so fast and cursed so well, I couldn't even keep up. Rollie pollie powers, ACTIVATE NOW.
That question of "who do you think you are?" has haunted me ever since. And people from my youth still rattle it off from time to time and most times I brush it off, but sometimes it gets under my skin.
Have you ever felt the need to defend who you are, your passions? Have you ever felt the need to explain why you are making certain choices or lobby folks to get them to support you? Me too. And I think it's about time we stop.
You have permission, FOREVER, (and in my opinion what is in the realm of kind and loving), to do what brings you joy.
BUT...
Sometimes it's not others we are trying to convince, sometimes, we are trying to convince ourselves. Our own negative chatter box floats to the top of our consciousness and we let it overrun our control center and all we hear is, "there are so many other people who already do it better, what's the point?" Or "You're 40! You have a career, why start something new?" Or "You're 25, no one is going to take you seriously. What do you have to say that others haven't already said?" "Why are you trying so hard anyway?"
When that is happening, and you feel your insides over heating, take a step back and check in with your soul. Ask it, "Is this what you WANT to do, will this bring you joy?" If the answer is, YES, then -- keep the bus moving. Ego will try to hold us back (strangely) because it's afraid of not being THE BEST, or, THE FIRST. But soul says, "I want to play too!"
When the question arises, "Who do you think you are?" No need to get overheated or curl in on yourself like a rollie pollie. Just say, "I am God's child and I'm trying something new. I really enjoy this and I'm seeing where it takes me.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
How my journey with insecurity led to the Confidence Revolution
Thank you to RGV Moms Blog for having me as a featured speaker! It was more exciting and fulfilling that I could have ever thought. It was a group of women (and some men :) ) gathered together and we let each other know, womanhood is can be tough and it's okay. We are all stumbling along, but we get to do it together.
I spoke with this fine group about insecurity and jealousy and gifts and confidence. It was awesome. Enjoy!
Give the Best You Have | Week 18 | Confidence Revolution
Do you find yourself offended daily? Your friend didn't call you - and she knew you had something to tell her! Or, your parents forgot to wish you a happy birthday. Or, someone SAW you and cut you off on the highway. Or, maybe a business associate is giving you grief.
Most times, we live so intimately with our own thoughts and motivations, we assume those around us JUST HAVE to know what we think, who we really are and what we want. But it turns out, most times they're just trying to get through their days and lives the best they know how. Our friends and family have their own lives, motivations, and dreams.
This week I profile the book, The Four Agreements. It's a tiny book that offers wisdom in such a quick and simple way, and upon learning the lessons in the book, your life will immediately be changed for the better.
"In The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love."
This book will not only help you be less angry, but more peaceful. It will help you take a few steps back and view what's going on in your life as part of a bigger picture. It will help you breath deeply as you realize other's people's actions are not about you, they are about them. AND it will show you how to harness your power.
Enjoy this week's mini life lesson highlighting the The Four Agreements!
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
3 Tips To Boost Daily Confidence | Week 17 | Confidence Revolution
3 Tips To Boost Daily Confidence | Week 17 | Confidence Revolution
I heard Simon Cowell (one of the original American Idol judges and a legendary music producer) tell a story about how new talent would walk into his production office and they'd hand over a demo tape. The fact that they were with Simon Cowell meant they had already paid some dues. And Mr. Cowell would listen to the demo and if he liked it he'd say, "Sounds great. Keep working on it for ten or twenty years and come back to me." Knowing that 10 or 20 years of constant effort would make them masters at their craft.
Most times the talent would pick their jaw up off the floor and leave huffing and puffing. "10 or 20 years!"
But Mr. Cowell knew what a lot of us have either forgotten or have never been taught. Progress takes time, and mastery takes even more time. Over night wonders are few and far between and don't usually stand the test of time.
Typing, making a cup of coffee, brushing your teeth -- you've been practicing those things for A LONG TIME -- and so you don't have to think about them, but you're good at them.
If you're just starting to focus on being more loving, compassionate and maybe even more patient, realize it's going to take some time, effort and thought. But don't let that scare you! With every good decision you make for your life, you are lifting the lives of those around you. [share on Twitter] Honoring yourself is the gift that keeps on giving. [share on Twitter]
What Mr. Cowell left out was that the joy is in the growing, learning and stretching. Why rush through it? THROUGH IT is where the magic happens.
Here are three things that will help you walk THROUGH IT joyfully and over time, will make you a master at crafting a life you ENJOY.
Guys, in this video, I attempt to do the nae nae ( I had to Google how to spell that.)
joy and hope, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
AND...Stayed tuned for launch parties for, What Nobody Tells You About Love, (my first book!) coming to bookstores, audio book, Amazon and all those great places December 2016. Join the party invite list here!
Armor and Security Blankets | Week 16 | Confidence Revolution
Do you remember being young and toting around your favorite teddy bear, or Hot Wheels car, or blankie? Do you remember just how important it was to your existence. MUST HAVE LOVIE! For our daughter, it's her cup of awwwwaa, agua or water to the rest of us. When she's unsure of her situation, she clutches onto her awwwwaaa for dear life.
As we grow older, lovies and teddy bears fall by the wayside, but we learn to cling onto other things. As adults, when we feel unsure of ourselves we grab for - food, alcohol, fancier clothes, bigger diamonds, higher heels, bigger homes, more successful businesses. We all have some kind of armor that we suit up with before we go into an unsure situation. What will we wear? What will we say? How will we prove we are worth being there? And though most of our security blankets are imperceptible to the naked eye, they are there, whispering to us that we need them.
About a year ago I began to identify the armor I layer on before I head into unfamiliar situations. I realized that when I was with people I loved and who I knew loved me, I dressed one way and when I was meeting people for the first time, I dressed another way. It was plainly obvious . When I felt safe, I didn't need a security blanket, BUT when I felt unsafe, I LOADED UP on security blankets.
And with that awareness, God bless awareness, I began needing my forms of awwwwaaaaless and less.
I'm not advocating that you stop eating or drink or buying higher heels or working harder at your career, I'm only advocating that you don't NEED to in order to be safe. You're already safe.
You need NOT be adorned to be loved. You are loved JUST as you are. Let yourself be seen, you are PLENTY.
love and grace, catia
If someone sweetly sent you this email and you'd like to become your most confident self, be more joyful, have better relationships and live a life you enjoy - JOIN the
#confidencerevolution here: Join Now.
Controlling your Negative Inner Chatterbox | Week 15 | Confidence Revolution
I was with my Austin Mom's Blog sister/writers last night. We were taking head shots with the amazing Laura Morsman and we were all wound up. "Do I look good?" "How about this angle?" "That's not my good side." The pressure was mounting! We were putting so much importance on the way the photos turned out. Like we were going to be judged ONLY on how we looked, like ALL the other things we do in life -- love, care, work, mother, volunteer -- didn't matter. We HAD to look spectacular or else everything was for not.
But then after the pictures were over, we enjoyed food and champagne and everyone let their guard down. And that's when things got really good. When we relaxed! Why couldn't we be relaxed the entire time?
The other day I read a post and it said that Gloria Steinem gave Melissa McCarthy a bracelet that said, "Linked, not ranked." And I thought, "that is the answer!!" Someone needs to get all women together and teach them in Woman 101 that there are not gold medals given out for being the prettiest, or smartest, or most sacrificing, or most frugal, OR... the least imposing or least disruptive or least opinionated.
We are unable to be ranked. Linked, not ranked.
Today's video is about how my negative chatter box felt outranked - on LIVE TV! And I detail how you can address your negative chatter box.
We are human, we have souls AND egos. Our soul is our higher self, an inner knowing, our essence. And our ego is part of the psyche that experiences the outside world and reacts to it. It thinks, feels, and it wants to distinguish itself from others. Part of the ego's job is to want more. That's it's job! So it's not about eliminating the ego, but about balancing it's power our lives.
With all my heart, you are worthy.
Culture tells you that you need more, different, bigger. Culture is lying, culture has ulterior motives.
You are beautiful and gifted.
No one is you, and that is your power.
